A Smokey Scheme

Based on A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift (1729)
Written for English III Acc. December 2006

For Eliminating the Problem of
Illegal, Underage Smoking,
And Encouraging Better Behavior

The United States today is plagued by a serious problem: rampant underage smoking. Among the young people of America, it is considered ‘cool’ to smoke. Even at the friendly, small-town school of Maine South there is a substantial smoking population. Even the preschoolers have been seen with cigarettes hanging from their small lips. We’ve all heard the much publicized statistic that “eight out of ten Maine Township District 207 high school students choose not to smoke cigarettes” (from a survey conducted by the Maine Community Youth Assistance Foundation), but that still leaves an alarming 20% that do smoke. And I can guarantee that that 20% does not include only students over 18, the legal age for such an activity. We, the public, can not allow such an epidemic of illegality to continue and spread. Action must be taken!
Although the community has worked hard to spread awareness of the dangers of tobacco – in health classes, and the much beloved D.A.R.E. program – kids are still turning to the drug to relieve stress, rebel, make their friends like them, impress that special someone, or relieve boredom. I believe praise is well deserved for the efforts to educate our children, but I must say that it is not enough. It is well known that adolescents (and even at times adults) enjoy doing exactly the opposite of what they are told. It is a way to challenge authority. So, in light of this knowledge, I will present my own brilliant solution, and I know you will all love it.
After fervent consideration and study, I have reached the conclusion that the only possible solution to our country’s severe problem is to make it legal, and in fact a requirement, for adolescents to smoke.
A law requiring smoking would do a great deal to in fact reduce the number of smokers in the long run. As I mentioned earlier – and as I have been assured by a friend of mine who is a psychologist – the image of cigarettes is ‘cool,’ however, following rules is considered ‘uncool.’ Therefore, if kids were required to smoke, the uncoolness of respecting that requirement would negate the coolness of smoking, thus reducing the motivation for kids to partake of ‘death sticks’ as they are sometimes called. And this is not the only advantage to my plan. Allow me to present some of the numerous other benefits.
Firstly, it is well known to the public that smoking is the leading preventable cause of death in our fair country. So, if all were forced to smoke, more people would die sooner, meaning that the government would have to spend less on Medicare and other welfare programs. In turn, this would save taxpayer money.
Secondly, the government would no longer need to pay for those pesky public service announcements. They would not want to make the public nervous about the risks of something that they are all obligated to do. Spreading knowledge of the dangers of cigarettes would be highly discouraged.
Thirdly, the government would bring in even more revenue from the high taxes on cigarettes. Americans would be buying so many more cartons per year, that the extra money brought in would be more than enough to begin to cut away at the national deficit. I have been told by some of my acquaintances from the IRS that using my plan could wipe away the entire debt in as little as three years.
Fourthly, as cigarettes often cause loss of appetite in smokers, the requirement of smoking would help to alleviate the obesity epidemic that is spreading quickly through our country. What kind of image are we presenting to the world with all these fat people who seem to bounce instead of walk? If we all work hard enough, we can be the healthiest nation on earth, and smoking will help us do that.
Fifthly, the huge increase in smokers would help the tobacco industry immensely. From Philip Morris – who by the way has been wonderfully truthful with the American public with its informative commercial campaign – to small tobacco farmers, every facet of the industry would begin to bring in massive amounts of revenue. This success would greatly help our country’s economy and in turn the world’s.
Finally, smoking would simply be another great social activity that all could enjoy. It is commonly thought that young Americans are rude and unsocial (or perhaps only selectively social), so smoking would provide a way for young people to gather and get to know each other on a whole new level. Cigarettes would bring back the practice of spending quality time with loved ones and friends.
My proposal being so revolutionary and so inspired, I simply cannot think of any legitimate reasons that would halt implementation. So, do not speak to me about: teaching people about the dangers of smoking, ending the targeting of children with cigarette ads, hypocritical tobacco companies, or banning smoking in public places across the country. There is a very serious underage smoking problem in the United States, and the only way to improve the situation is to make it legal, and required, for people of all ages to smoke.
I must also assure you that my proposal is completely pure and innocent. I would have no personal gains from this plan, because I do not smoke, I do not grow tobacco, and I do not work for the government.