Thoughts on Names and Change

Whilst ruminating upon my upcoming nuptials, I have come to struggle with the idea of changing my name. While I love the romance of taking my husband's last name, it does bring feelings of uncertainty. A name is just a name, but it is still a representation of identity. You change the name, and you have to wonder if the thing itself has changed. How do I become something new? How much of my old self can I keep? I must learn to balance my identity from my past with the newness of my role of wife. It seems like the paperwork would be the hardest part about changing my name, but an emotional hurdle has to be overcome as well. I can't pretend that this doesn't bother me at all. I am Ann Meredith Amador. And I will always be her in part. She has so much to remember and so much to explain to Ann Amador Thompson. I hope they can get along.

Was?

April 2011 - Oxford, UK

Yuck seep

Huh?, whack

Deep in dark.

Ouch.

Hell walking

Waking

Line line line line

Continuous

Always

Why. Where. When. How.

WHAT THE HELL.

Who??

Me You Us We

Really

???

On, off

Half-way.

Ouch.

Me You Us We

Ouch…

Outlet

Kind?

Relief

How so

Good Bad

Why. Where. When. How.

Burning

Whack

Deep in dark.

Nighttime is the hardest

because everyone who loves me

--or at least who I hope loves me--

is asleep.

Even if I needed to talk,

they would not be there.

I envy those who can forget their fears

and fall to heavy sleep.

As for me, I'm still awake,

accompanied by the hate.

The hate for myself, that detestable loathing

that brings me to the point.

But to what point?

Is it the point of repentance?

No, not at all.

I've not travelled far enough for that.

Is it the point of no return?

Not quite yet.

But perhaps to the point of a blade;

that could soothe the hate.

This blade goes not in smoothly, though;

it has a barb that warns my rashness.

Secrecy is needed.

Evidence must remain forbidden from the world.

I hope that these scratches will fade by morning;

I do not want the questions,

for I do not have the answers.

At least not very good ones.

I hate this hate that leads to yet more of itself.

The hate for my failures

that ruptures into the hate of the blade,

that blade that hates my flesh.

The thing I fear is not the pain,

but that I may push the blade yet deeper.

The damage now is only skin deep,

yet there is future danger for my marrow.

How great is the happy strength that comes from the joy of the LORD!

With You

Shift for the better or for the worse,

I'm not sure, but I'm doing it.

I want to make this work

Forever if I can,

It's just different than anything

I've ever done before.

Commitment:

It's something that I guess I've

Always been afraid of.

I like it when it's easy to

Run away.

I like it when I'm free.

But I also love how I feel safe

In your arms.

So, I'm going to stay.

I want to stay.

I just wish doubt wasn't so

Pervasive.

My pride is the root of many of

My fears.

I wish I didn't care so much

About appearances

And about reputations;

It's one of my most

Vicious vices.

I hope that it's one I can

Overcome,

With you.

I can't see God's plan,

But I can rest in knowing

That He knows what He's doing.

I wish forever wasn't so

Far away,

So I could see how we turn out.

But I will wait

With you.

I will stay

With you.

Because I'm in love

With you.

Truth

March 30, 2008

If only the truth could be revealed in a bold flash of lightning, the answer written out in silver-lined clouds. If only things were not so mysterious.

But there is beauty in mystery. That which is so hard to find is worth the journey to seek it.

Cloudy

Rain.

I wish I could say it was happy rain.

But it's not.

I don't want to give up on this,

but it's getting harder to see the sun.

Darn clouds.